


Truly.

by Shay_Nioum



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Deceit has depression, Depression, Either platonic or romantic anxceit, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Executive Dysfunction, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Logan Angst, Logan has depression, Remus is a good brother, Running Away, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Talks about running away in the past, they all have depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-07 18:50:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21462829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shay_Nioum/pseuds/Shay_Nioum
Summary: And just like that, walking further and further away from Thomas’ house, his host, and all of the other sides…Logan was alone, truly alone.
Comments: 28
Kudos: 299





	1. Chapter 1

He didn’t know how long he had been this way, just laying there in bed curled up so tight as shivers wracked his body despite the warmth coming off of his body and the blankets covering him like a thick cocoon. It could have been seconds, minutes, or even hours. It might have even been days for all he knew, and yet he still felt the exact same thing. His head was laid on his pillow feeling more like a weighted brick dragging him deeper and deeper into unknown waters more than anything else. Just moving, in general, felt roughly the same way, he wasn’t sick, he knew that much for certain. He was at peak health and fitness, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to move a single inch. He wasn’t sad, if anything…. He didn’t know what emotion he was feeling right now, but whatever it was.. it got under his skin with little to no effort. Destabilizing him from what should have been a normal productive day in doing his work. 

He should be up. He should have gone down to breakfast long ago, and he should have started his work even before then. He should have at least gotten dressed and done something other than pathetically laying there, with the tears long since drying on his face. 

He was pathetic. 

With nothing but the thoughts in his head to keep him company, as he silently spiraled, leaving him to delve on things that he really shouldn’t be delving into in the first place. 

Who was he? Why was he even here? Why did he exist in the first place? Did he even matter? Would… would the others even miss him if he were gone? What if they really hated him and were just too polite and well… used to him to say otherwise. 

Did he hate them? 

Did he hate being here? 

Did he hate existing? 

It was thoughts like that, that filled up his morning well into his afternoon. He’d long since heard the others marching about and doing their daily duties. Patton downstairs and the smell of breakfast hot and ready for consumption. Roman singing in the bathroom as he took a shower and put on his makeup. Virgil just lurking about and occasionally moving when he got too restless to be in one position. The only difference being… that there was him, not getting up and not doing anything like he was supposed to do. 

He instinctively burrowed even deeper into his blankets the moment that he heard a pair of footsteps moving past his door, a faint whine leaking past his lips as the covers fell over his head and eyes. 

_ I don’t want to be here anymore… _

It wasn’t a sudden or even a surprising realization that Logan came to, it was more like the thoughts of autumn that came back every time the leaves started to shift in color. From green, to yellow and red, to eventually brown as they fell upon the ground to be stepped on. It was a familiar thought, and one that he’d dealt with whether he had realized it or not, and once again it was back as he laid in his bed just as it always did.

No… he really didn’t want to be here.

He didn’t want to be around Patton, the constantly sunny disposition leaving not a single inch of space for the negative feelings that clung to Logan’s shoulders like burs. He didn’t want to be around Roman, someone who… probably wouldn’t understand at all given how the creative side took to his equally creative but mocking nicknames that stug him every bit as much as they were supposed to. He didn’t want to explain to him, that he… the one who claimed to be above all that pesky emotional business, was suffering from just that. As for Virgil… 

At the image of the other side’s sneer, that seemed tattooed on his face when it came to Logan… he couldn’t help but to shudder, curling ever so much tighter in on himself. His lungs struggled to expand as he clutched at his knees, but nevertheless, he did not want to go to Virgil… 

That much was very clear to him. 

He wanted out.

He wanted to escape.

He  _ needed  _ to escape. 

He didn’t want to be around people, he didn’t want to be around the others. 

He wanted to be… alone. As alone as someone like him could get in a world like this, where his entire existence revolved around his host and everything that he did. He wanted to selfishly be alone, unconnected, and relinquished from everyone around him. He wanted out of his bedroom, out of the household that all of them resided in, out of… out of the mindspace itself. He did want to be alone, completely and truly alone. 

Truly.

So how on earth was he supposed to do that? 

Standing blandly ahead at his bland blue wall, the weight of his blanket felt crushing. Like he was resting under a ton of bricks rather than a blanket that was optimal for rest and relaxation. His legs fidgeted from where they were curled up against his chest, and his lungs screamed at him regardless of the fact that he logically did not need any oxygen to breathe like a normal human. He wanted to do something, anything really. But his mind was drawing up one massive blank that he couldn’t seem to fill in the spaces of, it was almost like something more than gravity itself was keeping him to fixed to the location that was his bed, but he just couldn’t move despite wanting to do nothing more than that. 

Why was he like this?

His tie hung up over the mirror adjacent to his bed almost mockingly, all of them along with his shirt, pants, and belt. They were all there, telling him just what he needed to do and what exactly his job was. 

_ There is no escape.  _ They whispered to him, sounding more and more mocking with each second. _ You’re here.  _

“But I don’t want to be,” Logan whispered the words into the bed where he had laid for who knows how many hours. “I want out… I want out! I want out!” He hissed, clutching the fabric of his sheets until his knuckles turned white, something white-hot pumped through his veins at those words of truth. He didn’t want to be here, and he didn’t want to put on that tie just to go out and talk to them. He wanted…

_ Out. Now.  _

Staggering blindly out of his bed, Logan roughly seized the glasses on his bedside table before jamming them onto his face. Without really paying attention he snagged a random pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt, snatching up the warm grey scarf he wildly wound it around his neck before stepping down and in turn rising right up. The blast of cold wind hit him like a semi-truck as soon as he appeared outside. Even on a good day, he wasn’t too used to rising up outside of Thomas’ house, and now… on a bad day, the shock of cold to his system nearly bowled him over almost sending him toppling back against Thomas’ front door. 

It was a lot colder than he had originally thought it to be. 

He really should have come with a jacket and not just the scarf he had grabbed on instinct. But nevertheless, here he was, and there was no way in hell he was going to go back, when he’d already taken his first steps out. It was like an invisible wall in is brain, that yanked and shoved his feet forward, ensuring that he didn’t take a single step back towards that house. They… the others wouldn’t miss him for a few hours, they could live without him, and well… they always said that they could live without logic. So they’d be fine without having him for one day, they’d truly be fine, and if not… that meant that they were lying to him. And well… he wasn’t entirely sure which one would hurt more in that case, or which one would would hurt all of them more. 

“Thomas mentioned a cafe not too far from here,” Logan muttered to himself, somehow managing a ghost of a smile on his face the more steps that he took, he wasn’t entirely sure what the flighty sensation in his chest was, but… he had never felt so free in his entire life. It was… nice. “I’ve never tasted crepes before, maybe if they’re good I can get Patton to make some when I come back. I can maybe even add some crofters to it!” He delightedly told himself, feeling just a sprinkling of light breaking through in his chest. 

And just like that, walking further and further away from Thomas’ house, his host, and all of the other sides…

Logan was alone, truly alone. 


	2. Chapter 2

“What do you mean he’s gone?” 

The words felt like glass brittly breaking against Virgil’s throat from the very moment that he said them, his world felt off-kilter the longer and longer he stared at Patton. The moral side didn’t say a single thing else, as his fingers twisted and pulled at the tied arms of the hoodie around his shoulders. His eyes were red, as if he’d just gotten done crying or was about to start all over again, and his bottom lip trembled the more that he bit and chewed at it. His hair was a complete mess too, oily and in a disarray, like he’d spent just as many hours that he had looking for Logan, that he had running his fingers through his hair and tugging on the light brown strands. 

Regardless of his state… he was nothing in compared to how Roman was fairing, that much was glaringly obvious. 

“He,” Patton swallowed thickly, trying to quell the rising tears that would only make Virgil that much more uncomfortable. “I went up to his room to see if he wanted breakfast and.. and he was just gone. Both Remus and Roman have been combing over their sides of the imagination and.. and they’ve found nothing!” Even now he couldn’t help the slight hysterical edge to his voice, he just couldn’t help it. This was Logan they were talking about, their own dear logical side who was missing. “Re.. Remus said that even if one of their monsters got him, there would still be a body or.. or something left behind. They said that they were sure of it!” The world misted in tears, and once again Patton pressed the arm of the hoodie that Logan had given him to his watering eyes. 

As Patton trembled, Virgil didn’t waste a single second in consoling him, wrapping his arms around the moral side that dissolved into little sniffles and hidden tears as he buried his face into Virgil’s shoulder. Looking over his shoulder, he caught sight Remus as they sat next to the other creative side who was curled up on the couch boxes of tissues next to him. Roman wasn’t in the best of condition either, just the knowledge of that felt like jagged pieces of glass jutting wildly against his heart. 

What had he last said to Logan? What would be the last thing that Logan remembered before he went missing? What had he might have said that could have chased Logan away? Had he hurt him in any way? 

_ “Then why are you lying?” Virgil sneered, his frustrations building on top of frustrations at this point, it had been one thing for Remus to show up and utterly blindside him by knocking out his own brother. But for Logan to take Remus’ side on this? He felt his already shot nerves further fraying at the notion. _

Lying… he had honestly thought that Logan had been lying to all of them when Remus had shown up… to him. 

Lying. 

Logan.

_ Oh… Oh! _

Virgil reared back sharply as if he’d just been slapped, the realization scorching its way across his mind like the force of a hurricane. Patton startled in his arms, and even more so, at the delighted smile on Virgil’s face. 

“I know how we’re going to find Logan!” He blurted out much louder than he had been intending to, his hands were wildly jittering as he patted Patton’s shoulders just as wildly as if to calm down not only himself but the moral side as well. “I’ll be back, you just.. You stay here and make some hot cocoa! Everyone needs hot cocoa! The kind with the little marshmallows and whipped cream!” He blurted out, his nerves getting the better of him, as he gently shoved Patton towards Roman and Remus just to wave away their confused looks. “I’ll be back!” 

Anxiety… for lack of a better term, bubbled up in Virgil’s throat as he sank down. 

Down and down, going past everything. Thomas’ recent memories, his old memories, his instincts, and even the mental barriers that were meant to keep some of them at bay. He sank down, until he could feel the cold attaching itself to his bones, it was… the kind of cold he had promised him that he’d never come back to. The cold that he had been desperate to leave once he had gotten a taste of warmth from the other side of things… the lighter side as it were. It was all old and yet so very familiar to him, as his feet finally landed on something solid. The stone flooring and roughly patched up walls stretched out before him, well into the kitchen, the living room, all of which were largely abandoned due to nobody using them. That and… 

All of the different colored doors. 

A good chunk of them were taped off with bright yellow caution tape, a sign as clear as any that regardless of still showing himself to Thomas and letting Remus do what they pleased now… Deceit was still doing his job to the best of his ability. 

A soft nugget of guilt squirmed in his stomach as he walked the well-worn path all the way to that familiar but yellow faded door that looked to have been spray-painted yet again with Deceit’s newest “fuck society” quote… somethings never changed around here, and that was one of them. Nevertheless, Virgil swallowed past the lump of nervousness in his throat as he raised his fist, and for a moment… just a moment he hesitated before knocking heavily on the door. 

The result was almost immediate. 

“I told you, Remus!” A very short and a very peeved Deceit jerked the door open, his curls in a state of disarray from what could have only been sleeping. “Your dick modeling can wait unti-” In an instant, the dishonest side’s mouth snapped shut, before opening with nothing but silence. His widened eyes stared obviously back at Virgil, he didn’t make a single move as his hands curled defensively into his chest. At least… not until Virgil took a single step into the room, prompting Deceit to take just as many steps backwards away from the anxious side and towards his messy bed. “_ Oh _.” Was the single word that fell from his lips, it might have been just one single word but even so… the emotions hidden behind it told Virgil everything. 

They were on an uneven playing field, and it wasn’t in Deceit’s favor at all. 

“I…” Awkwardness tugged at Virgil’s insides as he ran his fingers through his purple-dyed hair. His words weighed heavily on his tongue, like he had just swallowed a ton of weighted lead. “I need a favor.” 

“You _ what _?!” 

Deceit stepped back yet again, as if he had just been slapped, the back of his legs brushed against the very end of his bed. And at that moment, the dishonest side in question would have loved nothing more than to just turn around and crawl right back in there and cacoon himself so that he never had to face the outside world or… Virgil ever again. Watching a lifetime of conspiracy videos and snacking on junk food was so much better than ever having to face the look that the anxious side was looking at him with now, infinitely better. 

Virgil despite this, held his hands up regardless, he’d come this far and he wasn’t about to let his shot nerves get in the way now. “I need you to find Logan, like… like you did before.”

“You want me to what now?” Deceit blandly stared back at him, strangely missing the fire that had burned in his eyes when he had summoned the courtroom and put all of them into suits. His eyes felt strangely empty now that Virgil thought about it, like all of the bravadoes was just that… nothing. “I thought that you hated me or something? Why on earth would you need ME to find Logan? Just summon him or something, and leave me be.” He coldly muttered, his arms crossing over his chest in an attempt to not feel so… out of place, and in his own room no less.

Before Deceit could turn over and lay back down and do whatever he had been doing before, Virgil roughly seized his shoulder pulling him right back up. 

“Please.” He openly begged, not giving a damn about pride right now. “Please Dee.” He softly added, relaxing his grip on the dishonest side’s shoulder so that he could gently turn the snake faced side towards him. Gingerly grasping both of his shoulders Virgil gave him the slightest shake, peering desperately into his eyes just to get across how utterly serious he was about this. “I _need _your help to find him, Dee, you knew how to find Remus when they tried to run away after the split. I need you. I need you to find Logan, please… please. I..” Virgil thickly swallowed, his hands shaking the longer and longer he grasped Deceit’s shoulders, if he needed to bargain to make this more interesting to Deceit he’d damn well do it. He knew what Deceit wanted, ever since he had left in the place. He knew what would make him help. “I’ll-”

A soft ungloved finger laid over his lips before he could so much as get another word out. “Don’t.” Came the single word as Virgil looked surprisedly back at Deceit, “Don’t offer things you don’t want to give storm cloud. Take it from me and just… don’t.” 

This time when Deceit moved, Virgil didn’t dig his fingers into the other’s shoulders to keep him there. Allowing the dishonest side to move freely towards his closet as he disappeared inside, he was left just standing there awkwardly for almost ten minutes as his fists clenched and unclenched. The whisper of Deceit’s honey-sweet words still ringing as clear as a bell in his ears, as soft as cotton and as gentle as the touch of a mother cat with her newborn. 

Since when did he deserve such kindness? He had left. He acted like Remus and Deceit were the bain of his very existence since he left. He treated them terribly, and yet… in the privacy of his own room, Deceit’s real feeling, with no make-believe setup involved, were revealed to him. What on earth did he do to deserve that, when had he deserved something like loyalty from him after everything? 

The answer, hidden away in the confines of Deceit’s room. In the posters on the wall that had been in Virgil’s old room, in his old jacket that he had abandoned, and the gifts that he had gotten Deceit for Christmas before he had moved on with Patton and the others. The answer scared him. 

_ Always _, it whispered to him as the heat of tears burned at his eyes. 

All it took was a rustling of clothes from the closet, and his attention was broken as soon as Deceit walked back out. Fitting in the softest scarves, hat, and gloves that he had ever seen, Deceit stood before him looking like he was ready to brave a snowstorm rather than the weather that wasn’t just yet in the freezing temperatures. He looked as ready as one could be given the situation, well… all except for one thing and one thing only. 

“Here, you’re going to need a jacket with how cold it is out there.” Virgil easily shrugged his jacket off before tossing it over to Deceit who caught it out of reflex only. “Bring him back and…” A tiny smile quirked on Virgil’s lips, “I’ll make you one with yellow patches.” It was an easy promise, one that was so much easier than ever offering to come back to a flower pot that wouldn’t hold him with how much he had grown since he had last been in it. 

Deceit… Deceit for the life of him had known that. 

And he looked just about ready to cry as he reverently held Virgil’s new jacket with an air of awe and stardom, as if even touching it for too long would soil it and corrupt it. Nevertheless, he slipped it on his hands shaking the entire time that he did, and Virgil… Virgil couldn’t help but to feel the slightest sliver of guilt nestling in his gut for that. 

But it was guilt he’d have to think about later. 

“I’ll bring him back,” Deceit tore his gaze from the sinfully soft and warm jacket that smelled ripely of Virgil’s cologne. “I promise.” 

And just like that… Deceit was gone, well and truly gone. 


	3. Chapter 3

It was one cup of hot chocolate and one warm crepe cone later, and Logan was hastily rushing past the cafe doors letting them bang loudly upon his exit. The chattering of the people, the sensation of the closed air.. the closed walls around him, and just the feeling of brushing shoulders with so many people at once. It had all felt like a migraine pressing into every crevice of his head, the urge to just drop his spoils and slam his hands over his ears had been overwhelming. At least until the bell from the cafe doors had jingled upon another person entering, just then letting him know where his exit was should he choose to take it and get the hell out of there. 

In the end, he was left walking for what must have been fifteen or maybe even thirty minutes, with the chilly winds nipping at his cheeks, and cutting right through his long-sleeved shirt. He really should have brought a jacket, and maybe then some as well, but hindsight… and here he was. Nevertheless, he walked with nothing more than his eaten crepe cone, and his cup of hot chocolate to keep him warm against the ailing winds of winter. He walked and he walked until his feet were sore, and he finally came across an abandoned children’s play park. 

It was fairly easy to tell why it was abandoned in the first place, it was winter and so very cold. And it wasn’t like parents were just going to let their kids out to play in freezing weather when it could get them sick. So… finally, he had a place, a place where he was alone and he could spend his alone time. 

At least until… 

“Logan?” 

Within an instant, the logical side in question felt his head snap up at the familiar and so very soft voice that graced his ears, within seconds he was staring back at those familiar brown and golden snake eyes that reflected back a look that Logan wasn’t entirely sure how to read. Terror gripped Logan’s middle as he kicked his feet, scrambling and surging up to stand on his own feet. He had found him, and Deceit.. Deceit of all people had found him in how long? It couldn’t have been more than an hour or so. 

Did that mean the others were looking for him too? Were they hiding and waiting to drag him away once Deceit had distracted him well enough? 

Something uncomfortable seized in his chest at the thought, a feeling.. no a sensation that just slammed into his lungs and stayed there like a cement block steadily getting heavier and heavier with each second that he spent looking back at the dishonest side. He didn’t want to go back. It was far too soon, and didn’t want to go back to confined walls, confined spaces, and… confining people just yet. He wanted to enjoy this more, he wanted to.. to be free just a little while longer before he had to go back to being the Logic that everyone else knew and ridiculed him for being. He wasn’t going to go back, not until he was good and ready. Nobody would make him go back. Not Patton, not Virgil, not Roman, not even Thomas, and most certainly not Deceit. He was going to take as long and as little as he wanted to, away from it all, and he was going to be damn sure that they didn’t stop him.

Logan’s feet itched to run as the muscles in his legs tensed. 

Deceit slowly raised his hands, taking just the tiniest step forward as if Logan was a flighty caged animal that would attack at any second. “It’s okay,” He calmly spoke, keeping a personal and direct eye contact with the logical side to ensure that the other knew he meant every single word. “It’s okay Logan, you don’t have to run. I’m not here to force you to go back if you don’t want to, the others were just worried about your location. Virgil sent me to find you, it’s okay if you’re not ready yet. I get it.” He gingerly added, taking the tiniest of steps forward when it became clear that Logan wasn’t going to parkour his way out of the kiddy slide he had been sitting on before. “You aren’t the only one who’s had to escape at one point or another.” 

“Who?” He couldn’t help the question, it burst free the very moment that his own curiosity seized it. “Who else?”

A look of pain spasmed over Deceit’s face, and for a second… just a second, Logan regretted putting it there in the first place. But the question had been asked, and Logan got the feeling that whether he wanted to answer it or not… Deceit was going to be honest when it came to this kind of subject matter. He didn’t even know why he felt this way, just the almost hopeless and melancholy look on the dishonest side’s face and the way that his fingers twisted the material of that familiar purple and black jacket. Sitting back down, Logan almost awkwardly patted the space next to him, finally allowing Deceit to get more than a few steps closer to him. He buried the sigh of relief that swept through him as the other side settled next to him, their shoulders brushed, and instead of the itching sensation that had wormed its way under his skin before… there was only warmth as he shared the abandoned park with his fellow side.

Just warmth.

“Remus was the first,” Deceit began, slowly resting the side of his head against Logan’s shoulder. “They tried to run a few months after the split, they were confused and everything that was new… felt wrong to them. They just… took off in the middle of the night. No bag, no food, and no supplies. They just… ran, and ran and ran. I don’t even think they knew where they were going, they didn’t feel whole anymore.” Deceit could remember that night well, how every little sound had seemed to throw Remus off, how the slamming of their door came in the middle of the night and woken Virgil up. Virgil… who had told him in the first place that Remus was gone, but had been too anxious to do anything other than get him. “The next side to run...” Deceit tugged at one of his scarves, another shiver wracking his body as he huddled just the slightest bit closer to Logan. 

A warm cup of hot chocolate pressed its way into his hands. 

“You’re cold.” The way that Logan said it left no room for discussion, at least no other than the story the Deceit was telling. Not that he was complaining, as he cupped his hands greedily around the warm cup, feeling its warmth spread through his hands and all throughout his body when he finally took a sip. A shudder raced through his body as he relaxed, forcing out the next words that would surely ruin what little goodwill had been built up between them in the few minutes they had been talking with one another. 

“It was me.” 

“What?!” Deceit felt Logan’s body jerk a little as the logical side twisted himself so that he could get a proper look at the dishonest side, he could feel the others stare boring into him scalding him from the inside out. “Why? When? And for how long were you gone? Why didn’t we notice anything?!” 

Deceit’s lips quirked humorlessly at the underlying guilt in Logan’s words, “I left because I didn’t see a point in staying Logan, what was the point in staying someplace where I was hated? Virgil leaving… it hit me very hard, and to know that he hates me.. I didn’t see a point in staying around any longer. The more volatile dark sides were restrained, and Remus was happy doing their own thing in the imagination. And I… I was alone. I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to be in a place that reminded me of nothing but my failures in life. So.. so…” 

“Deceit.” 

“So I ran!” He blurted out, “I took what was necessary and I just ran, nobody was going to miss me anyway so I.. I..”

“Deceit!” 

The sensation of a feathery soft fabric rubbed against the human side of his face, and it was then and only then… did Deceit numbly realize that his face was wet with his own tears. Out of everything… he hadn’t expected to get so emotional over such a thing, his runaway fiasco had happened years ago and well before he had ever even thought about showing himself to Thomas in the form of Patton. Nevertheless, the only thing he could do was sniffle as Logan gingerly rubbed his tears away with the end of his scarf, leaving him to helplessly clutch at his cup of hot chocolate until the other side was done with his gentle touching. 

“I was gone for a two and a half weeks.” He dulled whispered, instinctively curling up as soon as Logan’s arm curled around him, “There was nobody there to find me, and there was nobody there to bring me back. Nobody came looking for me, and…” He swallowed thickly as he pressed his face into the side of Logan’s shoulder. “I didn’t expect anyone to.” 

That was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. 

He had run, and the only reason he was even there to reveal himself to Thomas was because for some stupid reason he had decided to go back to a place that still hated him. A place that still feared him, that still saw him as nothing more than a villain, and that still… didn’t think that he could change. Some nights he laid awake in his bed, wondering why on earth he decided to come back at all, sure the outside world had been hard to navigate but.. but at least they didn’t hate him, at least there had been people who didn’t want to see him sad and upset. At least then… he had felt worth something, better that than a low worthless snake of a side. 

Logan’s hand rubbed up and down his back, and it took a conscious effort to fight back the rest of the tears that wanted to fall at such a tender and genuine touch. 

“Did you ever tell Virgil?” Logan finally asked, the air hushed between them as he rested his cheek against the top of Deceit’s head. “Did you ever tell him that you ran… and came back?” A sarcastic snort from the side next to him answered him without words. “He deserves to know Deceit… he came close to losing you forever, and yet he… we all still treat you and Remus the same. Something has to change, something has to change in the way that we treat each other. We can’t just keep going until we drive someone away, because…” 

What if he never came back? 

There had to be a line, a clear one so that one day they wouldn’t wake up to find one of their very own missing determined to never come back to them. They needed to make sure that something like that could never happen. Remus had already run away, Deceit had already run away, Virgil had ducked out, and finally… here he was, having run from the prospect of telling the others that there was something wrong with him. That he needed help, all because.. because why? Because he was too scared of how they’d react to it? Because of their response to how he had acted feeling scared that they wouldn’t respect him? 

They already didn’t respect him. 

A warm gloved hand slipped into his own and gave a gentle squeeze, “The same goes for you,” Those five words hit Logan like a truck, “They deserve to know too, they deserve to know how what they say affects you, and how their actions reflect how easy or hard it is for you to come to them.” Logan wanted to laugh, but honestly… he was sure that if he did then he’d most certainly cry, because.. he was sure that Deceit had somehow read his mind and figured out just what was destroying his heart so much. “So…” Deceit shifted where he was sitting, before staring right back at Logan. “Let’s make a deal, if you tell them. I’ll tell Virgil, I’ll even tell Remus if you wish for me too. But you have to tell them, one way or another.” 

For a long moment, there was silence, and there was nothing but silence. 

Until…

“Deal.”


	4. Chapter 4

To say that Virgil was worried when the second hour of Deceit being gone had passed, was just as easy and obvious as saying that Roman was the most extra man he’d ever seen in his entire life. It had been two hours, two whole hours since he had last seen Deceit, and two whole hours since Deceit had promised to bring Logan back to them. He had spent one of those hours pacing like a caged tiger back and forth in the confines of Deceit’s room, occasionally stepping all over the dishonest side’s strewn out clothing that he hadn’t bothered to put up or even wash. The next ten minutes had been spent organizing such a mess, or at least until he had been summoned by the others. 

“You’re sure that he’s going to find him?” Patton nervously asked, his leg bouncing up and down from where he was standing, as Virgil sat before him on the couch a mess of fabrics strewn out before them. “What if he doesn’t come back?” 

_ It’s almost freezing outside.  _ His mind helpfully and quite vindictively supplied in a way that made his heart jump in his chest.  _ He’s part snake, his internal organs could shut down and he could die, cold and alone with nobody to even know or care where he was. He already thinks that you hate him, he’ll die thinking that. He’ll die knowing that he’s alone and- _

“He will.” Virgil snapped out, not meaning for it to sound so harsh as he chased away the thoughts and internal images of Deceit being curled up on the side of the road somewhere. “He’s going to come back and he’s going to come back with Logan. Just trust him.” Like he did? He had never trusted Deceit before now, and yet… the other side hadn’t even spared a second after he had asked him to help. “He’s self-preservation too Pat, he’ll find Lo and he’ll bring him back. I promise.” 

The needle pricked at his fingers as he absentmindedly tugged the white string through the bright honey-golden material of the jacket. 

He had to come back, he still needed to give him his jacket. 

He had to… Virgil needed him to. He needed to tell him that-

The sound of the door opening and shutting snapped Virgil’s attention away from the jacket, just as it snapped Patton’s, Roman’s, and Remus’ attention away from mulling and worrying. Like a cast of hawks, their attention laser-focused onto the two sides that had just come through the door, a pair of sides that were still rubbing their arms in an attempt to ward off the chill that clung to them like sand burrs from the outside world. Their cheeks and noses had a light dusting of pink on them, from where the winter wind had nipped at the open portion of their face spreading a shade of coloring their that hadn’t previously been there. 

They were home. 

“Logan!” Several voices chimed in as the sounds of pattering feet across the living room floor, ran towards their resident logical side as if even the forces of down under wouldn’t be able to stop them then. There would have been several collisions had Logan not held his hand out then, as it became obvious only then that he was holding several pizza boxes. 

“I brought dinner,” Came the even and stoic reply that hid the nervousness and sheer terror lingering underneath. “I need to talk to you all.” 

And just like that, the cheery tone took an abrupt nosedive as the logical side set the pizzas down on the coffee table. But not before sending one last equally stern and resolute look towards Deceit, who had remained standing at the door not making a single move since they had come in and most certainly not smiling at the joy from the other sides. It had been almost like he had been invisible to the others, with them barely offering him a second thought. Not that he minded too terribly, he was kind of meant to be ignored. It was just who he was, and besides… it gave him extra time to just… think about what on earth he was going to tell Virgil, that would even come close to satisfying the deal between him and Logan. 

He just needed to get it out of the way, so that he could go back to his room and they could pretend like he never brought Logan back in the first place. 

Looking up, his eyes locked onto Virgil’s and that pit in his stomach wormed its way into being a black hole. 

It was either now… or never. And Logan wasn’t going to stand for it being never. 

“I need to tell you something,” Deceit stopped Virgil dead in his tracks as he extended his arm stopping the anxious side from joining the others on the couch. With no more than a gentle nudge towards the kitchen, they stood there in silence for a moment. At least until... “Ordinarily you would never hear about this, the only reason you are learning about it right now… is because Logan wants me to tell you. But more importantly…” Deceit swallowed, “This isn’t a ploy to make you feel guilty, I’m not lying to you, and… I honestly don’t expect anything to come from me telling you this. Nothing has to change after I tell you this, and… I really don’t expect it to. You can keep hating me, and.. and I’m not going to ever hold it against you. I promise, Virgil.” 

If it was possible, the anxious side in question felt that pit in his stomach widen more and more. Rationally he knew.. he knew that Deceit was telling him all of this to lessen some kind of impact, and whatever impact it was… it wasn’t going to be a good one. Otherwise, the dishonest side would have just told him, and walked away. He was only saying this, because in whatever he was going to say… it was bad, it was really and truly bad. 

Was he dying? 

That one thought alone sent a spike of terror through his already pounding heart, it hammered against his chest until the only thing he could hear was the slamming of it against his ribs. There was no way… no way on earth that sides could die. Right? And someone like Deceit wouldn’t be nearly so calm about it, he’d have plans and he’d fight to stay alive if he was dying right? He’d address them all if that were the case, because despite it all.. him dying… as much as Virgil hated to admit it, would in fact negatively affect Thomas. There would need to be extensive plans in order to make up for Deceit’s absence and.. And… He couldn’t be dying right? 

He couldn’t. He couldn’t. He couldn’t. He couldn’t be...

“I…” Virgil’s eyes snapped back to Deceit in an instant almost as soon as the other side opened his mouth. He looked nervous, Virgil could feel the anxiety pouring out of Deceit, as if it were oozing from every single one of his pores. Guilt, the expression on Deceit’s face was… guilt. “I… Ran away after you left to live with the light sides.” 

Everything came to a screeching halt. 

“What?” 

His words were no more than a whisper, and yet Deceit looked as if he had just shouted them into his face.

“I.. I was gone for two and a half weeks before I came back.” The dishonest side carried on, completely oblivious to the mounting horror that was sweeping through Virgil with every new addition to this new information. “I won’t say that I’m sorry for leaving,” Deceit finally said, and something vicious and ruthless twisted in Virgil’s gut. “Because I’m not sorry that I left, I know that you probably don’t want to hear about this, and a part of me would be content to take this with me to my grave. Remus doesn’t even know that I was gone, I didn’t want anyone to know that I had even left.” Nervous hands twisted at the scarf around Deceit’s neck, and just when Virgil had thought that the emotional kick to the balls had already come. “Usually when I think back to leaving… I wish that I had never come back.”

That hurt.

There were no words, anything that Virgil could have drawn from… any past experience with Remus running away or even Logan leaving for as brief as he did. It all left him completely blank in the face of… this. What on earth could he say to this? What could he say to the revelation that him leaving… him acting the way he did, not only pushed Deceit away… but it made him get as far as he possibly could from not only him.. but everyone else as well. What exactly could he say… that wouldn’t ruin things beyond what they were already? 

Remus had been right… despite going to the light sides, he.. he never really was able to stop being the bad guy. 

He just kept hurting people, again and again…

_ “This isn’t a ploy to make you feel guilty, I’m not lying to you, and… I honestly don’t expect anything to come from me telling you this. Nothing has to change after I tell you this, and… I really don’t expect it to. You can keep hating me, and.. and I’m not going to ever hold it against you. I promise, Virgil.” Deceit had said to him, without a single lingering lie in his voice and an open honesty in his eyes. He honestly wasn’t expecting Virgil to give two shits about what he was going to tell him, he was just doing this because of the deal he had made with Logan.  _

He didn’t expect Virgil to care. He expected him to just walk away without even giving so much as a second thought to everything he had just been told. He expected Virgil to go on hating him. 

A tired and quite frankly exhausted ghost of a smile curled on Deceit’s lips, a look of hopelessness spreading like wildfire in his eyes. “I’m sorry that you ever had to learn this, but thank you for listening regardless. But please just… forget everything I just said to you, don’t let it weigh you down any.” And just like that… the dishonest side stepped back, moving to sink down and return to the safety of his bedroom so that he could spend the next week curled up in his own bed not talking to a single soul. Because maybe if he laid in one position long enough, perhaps moss would start to grow on him and suck away every feeling and sensation that he had so that he could just watch cute snake videos instead of crying. 

That was much more preferable. 

A fist seized the back of his shirt, seizing the fabric before ruthlessly jerking him back before he could so much as start sinking down. 

Virgil’s arms constricted around him, squeezing him so very tightly and smooshing Deceit’s face right against his chest as he held onto the dishonest side for dear life. “Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?!” He blurted out, squeezing the other side all the tighter. “You could have gotten hurt and none of us would have known about it! You could have gotten mugged in an alleyway with no one to find you! You could have died!” With his arms still wrapped around Deceit like a python learning to hug for the first time, he gingerly swayed the both of them from side to side. “Don’t you ever do that again, especially not without leaving a note or at least telling someone first!” 

For a moment, there was silence between them. 

At least until Virgil felt Deceit’s fingers bunching the material of his shirt, and the other’s face pressing into his shoulder. 

“You… actually, care about that? Why?”

Just the sheer fact that Deceit asked, let alone in that whispery unsure and even more borderline terrified voice wrecked Virgil’s soul. Because… that should never even be a question that the other side needed to ask him, it should never be a question that Virgil made him feel like he needed to ask in the first place. He should be better than this, he should do better than something like this. He had made Deceit feel like he needed to leave, and.. and not a single soul had noticed that he had been gone. Virgil should have noticed, he should have been there to stop it or in the very least open up a channel for Deceit to come to him if he had those kinds of urges. 

They had been a family once, until he left. 

“Because I’m sorry,” He whispered into Deceit’s messy curly locks, “I care, I honest to god care about you and I care about Remus. I should have shown it better, even if I did leave. I.. shouldn’t have ignored you. You deserve better, you don’t deserve to be ignored, and you don’t deserve to be alone. That… I can promise you.” 

He wasn’t going to cry, Deceit had told himself that after bawling in front of Logan… he wasn’t going to cry. 

But hearing those words from Virgil, a promise that he wasn’t some monster to be hated, feared, or even shunned… It made his eyes get a little misty as he clung even harder to Virgil and his shirt, burying his face into the others shoulder just the slightest bit more as he attempted to focus on keeping it together and not turning into a sobbing wreck where just anyone could hear and see him. It would be entirely too embarrassing to even think about right now. 

A few tears slipped out, staining the fabric of Virgil’s shirt.

Before the overwhelming guilt and shame could even stick, a gentle hand ran over the back of his head gingerly smoothing down his unruly hair. “It’s okay,” Virgil’s voice was so very gentle and soft that it nearly made the dishonest side burst into uncontrollable sobs right then and there, “You’re okay Dee,” He whispered, slowly rocking the both of them back and forth. “Now come on, let’s go have some of that dinner that you and Logan brought. I’m starved.”

For a second, a single split second. A draft of overwhelming uncertainty and sheer horror dawned on Deceit as Virgil’s hand slipped into his, leading him back to the living room where everyone else was. Would they accept him being there? Would they even want him there? Logan would, but the others… They’d just want to go straight back to ignoring his very presence until he asserted himself, didn’t they? Why wouldn’t they? 

Sure Virgil didn’t hate him now, but that didn’t mean that- 

Time slowed to a crawl as soon as he stepped foot into the living room, everyone was crowded around Logan. With Patton having seized the logical side into a hug on his front, and Roman hugging the logical side’s back with even Remus giving a sympathetic pat on his shoulder. Clearly, Logan had done his part of the talking, just as Deceit had just done his. And yet… Everyone looked up as soon as he and Virgil entered, and everyone was looking at him. They were all staring, were they going to tell him to go away? 

“You still like cheese pizza yeah?” Virgil asked, and just like that the tension flooded out of the room as soon as Deceit found his seat squished next to Logan and Virgil. The couch was in no way made for that many people to sit on it, but with Remus languidly laying across the top and Roman sitting on the armrest they were fitting easily enough. 

“Yeah,” Came his soft whisper, and just like that dinner began. 

It was… the first dinner he had ever been included in since Virgil had left. He was so used to either spending so many nights sitting alone at the dinner table or just taking his food to his bedroom and just watching videos as he ate by himself. So, as far as firsts went… this one wasn’t too terrible, Remus, of course, attempted to stuff five different pizza slices and flavors into their mouth. But… all in all, it wasn’t terrible, and by the end of it, he felt…

Nice, he believed that the world was nice. 

Eventually, after cleaning up everything and setting the cleaned cups aside it was time to go back to his room. However, before he could even think to sink down, and collapse onto his bed and conk out for eighteen straight hours…

“Deceit,” Turning his head at Virgil’s voice, he was soon met with a face full of fabric having been thrown straight at his face. “I told you I’d make the jacket,” Cradling the soft and so very warm fabric in his arms, Deceit stared openly back at the equally warm smirk on the anxious side’s face. “Come back again tomorrow, and I can help you put your logo and even some thumb holes on it. If you want.” 

He did want it, he so desperately wanted it. 

“It’s a date then.” 

He didn’t want to be alone anymore, and he wouldn’t be. 


End file.
